In the beginning there was love. We used to say “please” and “thank you.” I sucked my tummy in, wore pretty panties, shaved my armpits and legs, painted my toenails and never, EVER farted in front of my boyfriend. Soon we moved in together and things like burping became funny. From there it became funny to ask him to spoon me in bed and let ‘er rip. Oh it was such a gas! Literally.We’re at the point now where farting has gone beyond funny and it’s just something we do. Like ignore each other when the TV is on. I don’t know what it is that makes me always need to cut one around him. I seriously don’t think I even fart when I’m not around him.
After I wrote my resolutions and published them, I got a lot of remarks from readers about how they always pass gas in front of their lovers too. I was not alone. It was almost enough to shelve the resolution and say write it off to the maturing of our relationship. I negotiated with myself and thought, “This is what we do once we shed the mask of the girl we wish to be in the beginning.”
Now we’re engaged. I’m going to marry the best man I’ve ever met in my entire life (next to my grandfather.) He has never ever been less than a caring, patient, beautiful and dedicated man. I am super stoked to have him and the thought of getting to be his wife is, like, THE SHIT. I think about that mask I wore in the beginning of our relationship, the polite, proper and less flatulent girl. I think she’s all right and I think she’s the kind of girl he deserves to marry. So at the end of the day, this resolution isn’t so much about not farting around my future husband anymore, it’s about behaving like a lady and treating the man I love with a the same respect we had when we first were together. I can’t promise him Queen Elizabeth, but saying “Please” and “Thank You” and not farting is a good start.
6 comments:
hear hear! there are very few things that are best when done alone, but this is one of them.
yes, as you know, most couples go through this phase but in the end, no pun intended, i think it also comes down to preserving a bit of dignity during the time when one gets to be alone with each other...
once the threshold of "oh yeah, you fart too" has been breached and laughed at and outgrown, it can resort to what it was before - a private moment, a solo moment...
that's love.
jill scott once told me the first time she took a @#$# in front of her first husband she knew it was true love.
Bitch, if you ever farted around me I would take a shit right in your face.
Farting is a sign of disrespect and no man should put up with that shite.
Unless he's a fart fetish guy, in which case, rip away.
I told Rodney on our first date that I'm lacto intolerant and even the lactaid pills do not help always.. He thougt I was joking I guess... If i'd go to the bathroom everytime I have to pass some I d might as well start organzing my life around the bathroom. He doesnt smell exactly like roses but till this day we still laugh about it :))) A match made in flatulent heaven. Maybe I never stopped saying thank you and please it makes up for this shortcoming lol
ALso a woman has waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy much more upkeep to do than a man. So I need a break somewhere!
Thank you for this one - and the honesty:) I also sometimes wonder why it is that we do what we do - may some archaic impulse. maybe, 10000 years ago, we recognized each other by the smello'...
Ive always been mythed with the myth girls dont fart . okay we were pretty things and have a vagina , but we also have an arsehole exactly like a mans that functions for expelling wind and poo. I happen to be overly gassy so its awkward being a girl .
ive read the average person farts 15 times a day , well i must fart 30 or 40 on a bad day so i have a very busy arslehole .Ive tried different diets but to know effect always lots of wind . So what is a girl to do ive got to let it out otherwise it hurts , im around 30 good figure attractive but this has always been the grim part of my life . Okay ive devloped a routine over the years to fart discreetly , firstly I had to do away with light coloured knickers as on some occasion just due to the sheer volume of gas i would get light to heavy brown stains . okay farting not good but an accidental panty flash with a thick skid mark no good at all. Secondly panties that wedgie a no no rattles against by bum hole and makes for loud farts , full but tight panties are good they keep my cheeks the right distance apart . Also ive worn nylon and they ten to trap the smell but ive found the exact grade of black lace that filter perfectly . Also tight trouser or skirt a no no as this can cause a noisy fart , I wear pleated knee length just enough to trap the fart smell so i can deny it when i move away and lose enough to not amplify the noise . Okay all sound weird but neccesary to lead a normal life , ive developed the perfect flow airy , nasty smelling and hot but silent .Ive even developed a way of farting in my chair that lets it out between the front of my legs and not against the chair .
My favorite area is the photocopier i can let a good volume out there and some other poor sole gets the blame . Ive even got it down to such an art i can his gas out whilst talking to the boss . Okay now any guys please explain to girls like me and poor old Jenifer simpson , if we are gassy and we have an arsehole what the hell do you expect us to do .
Post a Comment