I've recently been told that I am insensitive. As if this is somehow new news to the world at large. I have never claimed to be anything less than a straight shooting advice-giver. However please note, Sob Story Parts 1-3 (AKA the Trilogy) is privy to the listener and sympathizer. Part 4 conjures up the you're getting pathetic so lets try to help now. Part 5 - I really start reconsidering if I even want to be friends with someone as gross as you. Honestly, you should be able to wrap a story up by the third iteration. Anything after the Three-quel is unnecessary and honestly, self obsessed. Get over yourself already...
To be clear, everyone who knows me knows you don't even come to me unless you want straight up advice…..or money. But that's another story.
Let's get something straight so that people don't all the sudden wondering if they know me at all.
1) I'm there for you 100%
2) If you need anything and I can give it to you, I will
3) How it is (according to the information you have provided) is how I'm gonna tell it. And it's not gone be served up with a side helping of unicorns and rainbows.
4) I'm not here to blow smoke up your ass or enable your bad behaviour.
5) My middle name is Crass. Actually it's Christine, but "Crasstine" is a nice middle ground. When I write it's all about Less Class, More Crass. Unless you're Asian, then Less Crass, More Class. Cos they get their L's and R's messed up. Get it?
6) I don't tolerate stupidity
7) I don't tolerate people who drive drunk
8) If you are an idiot, chances are very likely that you will inspire a blog. Because at one point the only answer is public humiliation. If you're not going to learn from your mistakes maybe someone in the blogosphere will.
9) I do tolerate the excessive use of all words unapproved by Al Sharpton and his cronies. In fact I encourage it.
Now with that said, there's been a lot of stuff I've wanted to discuss with people but I never did.
A – Coke
What's up with the resurgence of Coke? When did it all the sudden be totally cool to go out of your way to make yourself annoying? Coke – The Ugg Boot and Von Dutch of Summer 2007. I seriously can't wait til you sheep move onto something less annoying. At least with Ugg Boots and Von Dutch I could avert my eyes. You, yes, you, are super fucking annoying right now. And because I actually love you, I am forced to interact with your annoying ass. You've become a close talker and you're interrupting my conversation by constantly asking me what I am talking about while I'm talking with other people. And unlike how you are when you're on weed, you're actually not that funny. You're just loud, too close and nowhere near calming the fuck down.
B – Driving Drunk
When did it become to cool to brag about driving drunk? I can't tell you how many times I've actually been told "I drive better drunk." In fact one person told me that three times in one conversation and one of those times was after I told this person that My sister was killed in a car accident two days before my bday and two bday's ago Carlos was killed by a drunk driver 15 minutes after LEAVING my bday party. This person actually said, "Oh that's terrible, but I'm serious, I just drive better drunk."
Let's all consider the following:
1) Think of people you've found attractive. Consider that while you are drunk, you're ability to gauge your driving skills may also be impaired by whatever mechanism in your head is also telling you that beast next to you looks like Angelina Jolie.
2) If you drive better while while drunk, maybe you shouldn't drive sober either, you fucking knob.
3) If it's isn't enough that Carlos and Dusk both died from an accident with a drunk driver, what is enough?
Someone I know actually was recently pulled over by the cops drunk and after being cuffed for thirty minutes he was let go. Then he called people all slurring all braggadocios about being let go. As if one second before while he was all cuffed up with the cops he wasn't as articulate as a Yale Graduate. Way to go, you got pulled over by a cop and got let go, maybe next time you'll get lucky and kill someone!
