TV-Sitter

WARNING: IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE IN NATURE, DO NOT READ!

IF YOU ARE A PARENT AND A FRIEND OF MINE, I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU, UNLESS OTHERWISE SPECIFIED BY THE WORDS..."A friend of mine did," or "One time, one of my friends.."

THIS IS A SOCIAL COMMENTARY ON CHILD-REARING IN AMERICA.

In response to: Baby Einsteins: Not So Smart After All

Dear Disney Parent,

I'm sorry I contributed to the retardification of your child and the dumbing down of America, but, what do you expect? I'm a multi-national corporation out to make a buck, YOUR buck, in fact. So, yes, it's my fault for making these videos and selling them under the guise of education, but it's your fault if you abuse and misuse these tools by making them your de facto babysitter.

DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP Baby Einstein Shapes & Sounds!

Available on Disney DVD RIGHT NOW!

And coming on August 21^st!

Disney's Little Einsteins: Rocket's Firebird Rescue and Handy Manny: Tooling Around.

Pre-order your Disney DVD with FastPlay* right now!

Love,

Mickey Mouse

* What is Disney's FastPlay?

Disney's FastPlay is a new technology that puts you in control of your viewing preferences.

You can choose to use your remote and navigate through our user-friendly EasyFind menus, or you can simply put in the disk and go sit down and relax and the DVD automatically begins. You don't have to push a button!**

You can watch the feature presentation just like you would in theaters. After the trailers and feature, stay tuned for an exciting selection of Bonus Features.

(From http://disney.go.com/disneyvideos/fastplay/faq.html)

**In other words, all your child has to do is find the DVD they want and serve themself up a heaping spoonful of 2-hour babysitter without interrupting you while you peruse Perezhilton.com.

Dear friends of mine who I gave the Einstein DVDs to while I was working at Disney. I'm sorry. Please feel free to give me back the DVD and I'll get you a proper gift.

Dear people who have mentally impaired children and are offended by my use of the word "retardification." I'm sorry to offend, I think all children are beautiful and wonderful and I'm making no judgment on you or your child. And unless I actually gave you an Einsteins DVD, I'm pretty sure that if your child has any mental handicaps, it's not any fault of mine, but I'm sorry anyway, cos I guess that's what I'm supposed to say.

Dear people who peruse Perezhilton.com while your child watches DVDs unsupervised. Any likeness to your reailty is purely coincidental.

Love,

Gen

He’s Different but You’re the Same

I'm in love right now and I gotta tell you, it's totally rad. There's nothing like it. Every morning I wake up next to Charlie and I get filled with this disgustingly warm delicious feeling. I love the way he sleeps and walks and talks and how he looks when he's working and I love his talent and his mind and his kindness. It's amazing how much love there is. The capacity for it is limitless. I miss him when he's not with me and I get excited when I know I'm gonna see him. There's nothing like feeling that way. It's addictive.

For some people, it's so addictive they make a point to feel like that every month with a different guy. OK, I get it, you're single, and you're young and new relationships are like, thebomb.com. But enough already with how every single new guy you date is different from the last one. This one is sensitive, that other one is ready, this one actually holds your hand in public (are you serious?), the other one has two turntables and a microphone for genitalia.

I have news for you, he is NOT different. He is just a man.

And I have other news for you, every guy is different. DUH.

Otherwise you'd just be dating a guy named Mike over and over and over again.

Here's where the problem is, he's different but you're exactly the same.

You're still desperate and needy.

You're still trying way too hard to prove your worth to him and every guy before him.

You're still the same girl who is so busy building this reality in your head that two weeks from now is gonna crumble into a imagination heap in your fantasy filled head when he tells you he isn't ready, or you're too good for him, or when you decide that a guy who cries while he's making love to you is just too FUCKING sensitive.

And then, who's eating crow now? You.

And then two weeks after the last meaningful two-week relationship, who's gotta meet a new boy and hear all the reasons why he's different from the last one? Me.

CUE THE DIAGRAM.

Guy 1, Different, but it didn't work

Guy 2, Different, but it didn't work

Guy 3, Different, but it didn't work.

Guess what the common dominator is?

You.

So calm your ass down, enjoy your new lay, stop trying to make him the new future husband of the world and do us all a favor and talk to us about him at least two months after ya'll start dating.

You can only hide crazy for a month, two tops. If at the end of two months you all are still together, you either 1) found the guy who squelches the crazy in you or 2) is willing to accept it.

Either way – he's a fucking keeper and I wanna hear all about him.

And if you think I'm talking about you, chill out. I'm not talking about any one person. You might want want to check out the section in my blog www.NotEverythingIsACrisis.com called Not Everything Is About You. And yes, that seccion is about your nuerotic ass. If you think this blog about you, you might want to consider why. And no, it isn't. You're seriously not that important to me.