Open letter to all miserable couples,
I know I said I was sad and all that you two are back together (or communicating, or hanging out, or banging, or whatever you crazy kids are calling it nowadays) but trust me, I couldn’t be happier.
You two back together means that there are two LESS miserable people on this beautiful earth. Heck, this means there are infinitely less miserable people on this earth because of your sacrifice to be together and make each other miserable indefinitely.
Sure, you could (and should) easily go on your miserable lives without each other and meet another person with an untapped potential for happiness. You could trigger the miserable in them. And then those relationships would end and the four of you would go on to make more people miserable and so on and so forth.
This could go on exponentially forever, like a virus.
A miserable, abusive co-dependent, suspended-animation relationship virus.
And the only immune people would be people who already are in love, like Charlie and I.
Sure I spent the ENTIRE weekend helping you cope with the guilt and embarrassment of attacking “the one person you love most on this earth.” (Yes, even more than your family and yes, even more than you love yourself-as if that was not already obvious.) Let’s not forget how I spent two days sitting across from your and your perpetually watery eyes to keep you from calling him and emailing him, plowing you with positive sentiments: No, you’re no crazy, (yes you are,) No, it wasn’t to much to ask for (yes it was,) Yes, he’s selfish (so are you,) Yes you’ll find love (that’s not really what you want,) only to find out FROM HIM as soon as I left your side on Day 2 you had emailed him.
I should have suspected that a life-sucking emotional vampire was in the midst the second that you came to someone you’ve only known for two months, instead of running to an old friend with this “dilemma.” And I should have KNOWN when you replied with, “I don’t really have any friends” when I asked you about it.
I should have remembered that, two Fridays before, I was the one you came to when you broke up FOR REAL last time and swore “This is it this time” because it had gotten “physical.” I spent the evening dancing and getting to know you better and keeping you busy.
I should have remembered that that same Saturday (the next day) you showed up to dinner with my boyfriend and I with your same "ex-boyfriend," the one who attacked you, the one who "it was really over" with “this time” just the day before. You spent the evening grinding your body into his and counting the minutes before you were naked together taking pictures you could post on Flickr.
Yes, I spent many words in our email exchanges supporting you in your decision to stand firm and not see her.
Yes, it WAS the right thing.
Yes, you always do the wrong thing.
Yes, this should not surprise me.
Of course I begged you to stay strong, to not contact her, to not post pictures of her on your Flickr page, to not comment on pictures on her Flickr page.
Of course you didn’t listen.
Don’t we just love how effortless the internet makes obsessing?
Oh, the vast improvements technology makes in our lives.
You guys really are PERFECT for each other after all.
Where are you, (insert male name here) going to find a woman who is willing to forgo marriage and children (something she, up until she met you so desperately wanted.) Heck, where are you going to find a woman who is content to not live with the man she loves just to be able to say she is his girlfriend. Where are ever going to find a woman who is small enough to attack you with all her might and yet doesn't REALLY cause much damage? Where is the woman that is lacking in enough pride that is willing to face all the same people on your block and in your building after having a very public and vocal display of abuse? I tell you where, right here.
Where are you (insert woman’s name here) going to ever find a man that will allow you to abuse him and disrespect his personal space (physical and otherwise) who will still want to be with you? Where else can you find a guy who cared enough to go to his neighbors and share horrible stories about you and show them the wounds you inflicted on him who can turn around and entertain your fits of desperation, not caring what his neighbors and friends think about it?
I mean people like you two are rare and far between. You two not only bring out the worst in each other, you encourage it and reward it with pretty pictures and comments on Flickr.
So bravo and two Myspace kudos to you two for your dedication to making each other miserable and your conviction in carrying out this misery. You raise the bar.
Stay strong in your fight to keep the misery concentration pure and not spreading it out into the universe. I only hope that when your uterus expires and this relationship does end, which it will, that Barak Obama is our President and that stiffer gun laws are in place so that you don’t actually end up getting a gun killing someone.
Love,
Gen
