TV-Sitter

WARNING: IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE IN NATURE, DO NOT READ!

IF YOU ARE A PARENT AND A FRIEND OF MINE, I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU, UNLESS OTHERWISE SPECIFIED BY THE WORDS..."A friend of mine did," or "One time, one of my friends.."

THIS IS A SOCIAL COMMENTARY ON CHILD-REARING IN AMERICA.

In response to: Baby Einsteins: Not So Smart After All

Dear Disney Parent,

I'm sorry I contributed to the retardification of your child and the dumbing down of America, but, what do you expect? I'm a multi-national corporation out to make a buck, YOUR buck, in fact. So, yes, it's my fault for making these videos and selling them under the guise of education, but it's your fault if you abuse and misuse these tools by making them your de facto babysitter.

DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP Baby Einstein Shapes & Sounds!

Available on Disney DVD RIGHT NOW!

And coming on August 21^st!

Disney's Little Einsteins: Rocket's Firebird Rescue and Handy Manny: Tooling Around.

Pre-order your Disney DVD with FastPlay* right now!

Love,

Mickey Mouse

* What is Disney's FastPlay?

Disney's FastPlay is a new technology that puts you in control of your viewing preferences.

You can choose to use your remote and navigate through our user-friendly EasyFind menus, or you can simply put in the disk and go sit down and relax and the DVD automatically begins. You don't have to push a button!**

You can watch the feature presentation just like you would in theaters. After the trailers and feature, stay tuned for an exciting selection of Bonus Features.

(From http://disney.go.com/disneyvideos/fastplay/faq.html)

**In other words, all your child has to do is find the DVD they want and serve themself up a heaping spoonful of 2-hour babysitter without interrupting you while you peruse Perezhilton.com.

Dear friends of mine who I gave the Einstein DVDs to while I was working at Disney. I'm sorry. Please feel free to give me back the DVD and I'll get you a proper gift.

Dear people who have mentally impaired children and are offended by my use of the word "retardification." I'm sorry to offend, I think all children are beautiful and wonderful and I'm making no judgment on you or your child. And unless I actually gave you an Einsteins DVD, I'm pretty sure that if your child has any mental handicaps, it's not any fault of mine, but I'm sorry anyway, cos I guess that's what I'm supposed to say.

Dear people who peruse Perezhilton.com while your child watches DVDs unsupervised. Any likeness to your reailty is purely coincidental.

Love,

Gen

He’s Different but You’re the Same

I'm in love right now and I gotta tell you, it's totally rad. There's nothing like it. Every morning I wake up next to Charlie and I get filled with this disgustingly warm delicious feeling. I love the way he sleeps and walks and talks and how he looks when he's working and I love his talent and his mind and his kindness. It's amazing how much love there is. The capacity for it is limitless. I miss him when he's not with me and I get excited when I know I'm gonna see him. There's nothing like feeling that way. It's addictive.

For some people, it's so addictive they make a point to feel like that every month with a different guy. OK, I get it, you're single, and you're young and new relationships are like, thebomb.com. But enough already with how every single new guy you date is different from the last one. This one is sensitive, that other one is ready, this one actually holds your hand in public (are you serious?), the other one has two turntables and a microphone for genitalia.

I have news for you, he is NOT different. He is just a man.

And I have other news for you, every guy is different. DUH.

Otherwise you'd just be dating a guy named Mike over and over and over again.

Here's where the problem is, he's different but you're exactly the same.

You're still desperate and needy.

You're still trying way too hard to prove your worth to him and every guy before him.

You're still the same girl who is so busy building this reality in your head that two weeks from now is gonna crumble into a imagination heap in your fantasy filled head when he tells you he isn't ready, or you're too good for him, or when you decide that a guy who cries while he's making love to you is just too FUCKING sensitive.

And then, who's eating crow now? You.

And then two weeks after the last meaningful two-week relationship, who's gotta meet a new boy and hear all the reasons why he's different from the last one? Me.

CUE THE DIAGRAM.

Guy 1, Different, but it didn't work

Guy 2, Different, but it didn't work

Guy 3, Different, but it didn't work.

Guess what the common dominator is?

You.

So calm your ass down, enjoy your new lay, stop trying to make him the new future husband of the world and do us all a favor and talk to us about him at least two months after ya'll start dating.

You can only hide crazy for a month, two tops. If at the end of two months you all are still together, you either 1) found the guy who squelches the crazy in you or 2) is willing to accept it.

Either way – he's a fucking keeper and I wanna hear all about him.

And if you think I'm talking about you, chill out. I'm not talking about any one person. You might want want to check out the section in my blog www.NotEverythingIsACrisis.com called Not Everything Is About You. And yes, that seccion is about your nuerotic ass. If you think this blog about you, you might want to consider why. And no, it isn't. You're seriously not that important to me.

Dude, Your Bitch Is Crazy

So how come guys like to date bitches that are crazy? And I don't mean not just date, but like, make them their girl and shit. All kinds of pussy whipped on a bitch that quite honestly is gonna kill you in your sleep.

One time, I dated a guy who complained about his ex to me nonstop-which, in retrospect is a red flag. She was living off of him and lazy. When he was finally over it, he broke up with her and soon after started dating me. She showed up one evening at his door and he let her in. She proceeded to get all crazy eyes on him, flipped his house upside down, Mike Tysoned his ear and got arrested by the cops.

That morning, as soon as he could, he bailed her out of jail.

That morning, as soon as I could, I broke up with him.

Soon after, they got back together.

Right before Charlie, I dated another guy who had a restraining order on his girlfriend. A FORMAL RESTRAINING ORDER. Despite this, she'd still show up at his door and get around the security of the house he lived in, and I'd have to tiptoe around our relationship like I was the other woman. When I started dating Charlie, I stopped seeing him, and soon after, THEY got back together too.

Part of me tells me that being with me is so bad that being with a psychotic is a walk in the park.

The other part of me tells me that the fellas like their bitches a little bit touched in the head.

It's almost across the board. The finer the broad, the more insecure she is, the more sprung your ass is, the more she thinks you're cheating all the time, the more you can't even have a proper bachelor party with strippers for your wedding, the more crazy she is gonna be despites your attempts at pacifying her, the more you can't have chicks for friends, the more you can't even bro down with the homies, the more she's gonna threaten suicide every time you two get in a fight, the more likely you're gonna end up dead and in an episode of Dateline titled "That Dude's Bitch Was Crazy."

One time, I was on the other side of this conversation where I was consoling the crazy bitch. She monopolized my whole weekend crying about how it was REALLY over this time with her boyfriend cos "it got physical" (and those are quotes.) I was swearing I'd kill the dude all up and down town for touching a woman which she didn't react to, of course. When they got back together at the 49^th hour after our 48-hour non-stop consolation session, I was like WTF!

As it turns out in a little language called crazese "It got physical" meant, I beat my boyfriends' ass in the middle of the street in front of all his neighbors cos he was too tired to let me come to his house when TO ME being a girlfriend means I should be invited anytime I want to so when I showed up and he wouldn't let me in I caused a scene in the front of his house until he came to the door where I subsequently beat him up.

Now? They live together. Because, of course, that kind of behaviour is perfectly acceptable and, admit it, crazy is just a little bit sexy.

Matchmaking and Advice

Today I went to lunch with guy friend and a girlfriend. En route to lunch I counseled a friend with some problems. When I got off the phone, my two friends, who were strangers up until today, took turns telling me their problems while I doled out my advice. By pure happenstance, at the table next two us were two of my friends who met through me and are about two years into a happy relationship. My friend said to me that I should start a dating service a la Millionaire Matchmaker, but for broke people and sans the shop for trophy wife quality that I seem to get when I watch the show.

I feel comfortable saying I am directly or indirectly responsible for 4 marriages and a dozen or so happy productive committed relationships, (some which have ended but c'est la vie, not everything ends in marriage and even those end sometimes.) I thought about this for a little bit and realised that currently I'm in the midst of trying to set up a two friends, not with eachother, but now that I think about it, it's not such a bad idea. So why not make it official? I've decided to start setting up blind dates for friends and strangers. If you're single and you're looking for love, not a lay, email me at askalphafemail@gmail.com.

If you haven't noticed, I've also changed the name of my blog. It used to be the name of a column I had in a few websites around the country so I thought I'd kick it old school. In going with the theme of the new blog name, I opening up the floor to give advice to the public. Instead of blowing up my friend's spot, maybe I'll blow up yours.

So to review: Looking for love, holler. Looking for help with your love problems, holler.

And by holler I mean email me at AskAlphaFemail@gmail.com

Love,
Gen