Tonight I watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory . I like it so much better than the original when it was called “Black Hole Sun” by Sound Garden. I mean, Chris Cornell is fine and all, but a 3.5 minute video just can’t compete with this 1hour 46 minute spectacle. So anyway, I loved this movie, I thought Michael Jackson did a great job reprising Gene Wilder’s role as Willy Wonka. Gee whiz, this is his greatest role since “Smooth Criminal”, isn’t it?
I’d like to say to all those people who loved Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory so much that they are boycotting Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. THIS IS NOT A REMAKE. THIS IS TIM BURTON’S GENIUS ADAPTATION OF THE ORIGINAL CHILDREN’S STORY AS WRITTEN BY ROALD DAHL. Golly, the movies even have different names if you haven’t noticed. And if you cared so much about remakes, where were you when they were remaking, “Dukes Of Hazzard” “Bad News Bears” “The Honeymooners” and all those other great remakes. Go fight those battles. Now, that’s a fight worth fighting.
So, where was I? ...I watched this movie in Pasadena and here are some tonight’s highlights:
Everyone in Pasadena is ugly or has whack style. Some are really lucky and are some combination of the two. I swear this girl had a khaki mini-skirt, black thigh-high fishnet stockings, those pink polka dot flats that are supposed to look like a hybrid Converse Chucks and ballet flats, and a plastic Hello Kitty purse. Honest to God, this actually HURT my feelings.
Don’t ever go see a movie the same day a Black movie’s opening weekend. I truly I thought I was going to the BET awards: people had their hair all did up and all the boys were wearing their longest t-shirts and basketball jerseys.
Who wears stilettos and fancy tops or dresses to the movies? Everyone, that’s who.
Note to Pasadena: Ten Thousand Fashion wrongs don’t make a right.
Riddle me this? When did they start serving soda in KFC buckets. Yea yea yea, we all know, soda is big nowadays. I’m not buddist, but I’m not kidding you, this soda cup was a KFC 15-piece bucket in another life.
I remembered for the first time ever that movie popcorn makes me sick and want to vomit BEFORE I ordered it and ate the whole bag. I actually ordered nachos this time. Note to self: Movie nachos make me sick and want to vomit. Never ever order again.
“From the Makers of ‘Mean Girls’ and ‘Freaky Friday”” does not incentivise me to see your movie. Mark Ruffalo and Napoleon Dynamite do.
The only thing that is as bad as seeing “Harlem Nights” in Richmond (think: Oakland on a country budget) on the opening night (which I actually did) is sitting next to two emo boys who thought they did the best Napoleon Dynamite impersonations and were apparently triggered to demonstrate this at the site of Jon Heder.
I’m a sucker for Romantic Comedies.
I’m a sucker for John Cusack.
How badly to I want to see “40 Year Old Virgin”????
HURRY NOVEMBER HURRY!!! It’s both my Birthday AND the next Harry Potter movie. God blesses us TWICE in one month. Thank you sweet Jesus.
Thinking about “The Chronicles of Narnia” makes my bladder twitch. (That means good.)
Who cruises Colorado Ave. in Pasadena on a Friday night in a teal Toyota Paseo? First of all, get out of my way. Second of all, didn’t they recall all Toyota Paseo for ugliness? Third of all, get out of my way.
So…true story. Once upon a time, I was working on Telegraph Ave. in Berkeley at a little store called Futura. One day I was wearing a dress and started my period. So I crumpled up toilet paper and wedged it in that tender spot between my panties and my no-no parts. And I ran across the street to the bodega, except in California they’re called convenience stores, but they’re not really very convenient cos they don’t ever really have shit. Anyway. As I’m running across what could be likened to Melrose or Vermont or Hillhurst right on those two blocks that are mad busy or 8th street for you NYers, someone taps me on my shoulder and tells me I’ve dropped something. Laying in the middle of that part of the street that connects to the sidewalk is this bloody tissue. So awesome.
Well tonight, a full two days after my period was over, I use the rest room and I realize that my period has decided to come back for an unrequested encore performance. I was like, “FUUUCK, YOU AGAIN?!?! And in my favorite panties to boot. Or course I’m wearing a skirt cos it’s hot as Jessica Alba’s ass in Sin City out here. And of course I have to crumple up tissue and shove it in my panties. I walked around all night like my knees were fuse together at birth like that little mermaid baby.
So as I’m drawing this blog to a close, I’ve got “Forensic Files” playing in the background to combat the silence of my room. PINKY PROMISE-I just saw a commercial for Restless Leg Syndrome. They’ve even got a foundation Are you kidding me? Next thing, you’re gonna tell me is Alcoholism is a disease. Well, me personally, I’m gonna start a foundation called Jerk Magnet Foundation. Whose in?
Tonight is weird, I’m going to sleep now before it gets any weirder.
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2 comments:
This is hilarious. Got to you via Blagg. Looks like you're in business for teaching what most of us already know but refuse to admit to then not do it. But I guess re-hearing once and again helps engrain the facts to eventually (now) get out of patterns.
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