Cannabis Ettiquette

THE DOs AND DON’Ts OF SMOKING WEED WITH ME OR BEING AROUND ME WHILST I’M IRIE

Don’ts
1) Don’t introduce me to people. When I’m lit, I don’t want to make eye contact with anyone and when I look at the floor when you introduce me to so and so, so and so is gonna think I’m weird.
2) Don’t leave me alone in a room full of people I hardly know. I’m a social retard.
3) Don’t try and have a conversation with me if I don’t know you very well. We’ll end up having a profoundly pointless conversation about a fence. It’s happened before. It’ll happen again. And we’ll both be trapped. I guarantee this will be equally awful for both of us.
4) Don’t tell me my eyes are red. I already know. And now I’m paranoid. Thanks a lot. Now you’ve ruined my high.
5) Don’t ask me to make any decisions for the group. We’ll end up doing something really lame. And I’ll feel horribly about it and keep apologizing until you are all annoyed with me.
6) Don’t take me to the mall. I’ll think everyone knows I’m stoned and get super wigged out.
7) Don’t take me to 7-11 or any other fluorescent lit small places at night. I get all light sensitive and blind.
8) Don’t be a cute boy I like and talk to me for the first time. If you liked me to begin with, you won't like me anymore.
9) Don’t ask me if I’m ok. If you ask me, I won’t be. The conversation will go a little something like this: "Are you ok?" "WHY?! Why? Do I look like I'm not ok?" "No I was just..." "WHY??WHY?? OH GOD I GOTTA GO HOME."
10) Don’t let me use my phone to call boys. Friends don’t let friends drink and dial; this also applies to being stoned.

Do’s
1) Do take me to Walgreens or Rite Aid. So fun.
2) Do drop me off on a dance floor. I will boogie by myself and not try to pick fights with people who bump into me like I usually do when I’m sober.
3) Do give me a karaoke mic. Actually, sober or drunk, this is always a “Do”.
4) Do let me be with my close friends and make everyone laugh. I swear, I could make a killing in stand-up if only the audience were full of my close friends.
5) Do take me to Cold Stone or Baskin Robbins. So right. I’d love you forever and ever.
6) Do take me to a movie that I wouldn’t see otherwise. Actually any movie that’s either funny or exciting. Slow, depressing movies won’t cut it ok?
7) Do make out with me…mmmMmmmMmm, everything feels so swirly and yummy.
8) Do give me little detailed projects like cutting squares out of fabric. They will all be PERRRFECT.
9) Do let me watch TV, especially The Simpsons, Family Guy or South Park. Duh, for obvious reasons.
10) Do buy me sodas, waters, and other non-alcoholic beverages. All the moisture gets sucked out of my body and when I’m toe’ to the flo’ weird things happen like when I smile, my lips stick to my teeth and I get that whole Fireman Bill (Jim Carrey’s “In Living Color” character) thing going on. It’s really funny for you but it’s kinda uncomfortable.

Thank you for your time and patience.